Parenting Beyond Words

A Calming Holiday Tip

2011-12-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

Are you panicking, even a little, over the Holidays? With all the stress around family, food, traveling and unmet expectations, it's not surprising!

When you're more stressed, it's a given your child will also be more stressed. His or her stress (think overwhelm) will show up in behavior like not listening...even more than usual! Why? Because dys-regulation causes the left brain - the part that thinks in words - to go off line.

So BREATHE MORE and TALK LESS.

The more you remember to breathe, the calmer you'll feel. That'll shift the vibes and have a positive effect on your child. Then...rather than wearing yourself out repeating the same thing over and over, find a non-verbal way to get the result you want.

For example: Instead of repeatedly calling across the room, "Come over here!" Go to your child. Confidently take her hand or playfully scoop him up and bring him to you.

You'll conserve your energy, maintain your sanity and enjoy your Holidays so much more!

Parent Advisory!

2011-11-07T07:29:00.000-08:00

**WARNING** Due to the recent change from daylight savings to standard time, your child may be crankier, more demanding, more prone to meltdowns and fighting with siblings.

ANTICIPATE AND REGULATE!

Re-setting the clock throws off our circadian rhythm which causes our bodies extra stress for a few days or even a week or more. While adjusting to this change, both you and your child may have a smaller window of tolerance (ie: be closer to the breaking point.) Your child won't know that s(he)'s stressed out, but that's what his or her behavior will be telling you. Instead of letting it get to you, EXPECT IT an BE PROACTIVE!

Here are 5 stress-busting strategies to make this a more peaceful week:

#1 Make it easy - for example: order pizza (even if it's not something you usually do.) A good question to ask yourself is, "What is the one thing I require today to make my life easier?" And then give yourself that gift.

#2 Minimize activities for your child this week (If you must do something extra, be really, really selective and DON'T do it at night.)

#3 Eat "early" - your child's tummy doesn't know the clocks changed! (Remember..being hungry is a stress.)

#4 When it comes to bedtime: Start early! Stay on task! Breathe! Are you hoping your child will sleep later because s(he) goes to bed later? NOT happening!

#5 Since your child is going to wake up early anyway - and you probably will too...why not start a new habit in the morning and use that extra time to simply hang out or cuddle with your child for a few minutes. It will release Oxytocin, and you and your child will feel calm, close and connected. Can you imagine a better way to start the day?

In conclusion, when the going gets rough, REMEMBER WHY your child is acting the way s(he) is and say, "We're all a bit dys-regulated because of the time change but WE'RE GOING TO BE OK!"

In support,

Kathy

PS: What are YOU looking for this holiday season?? Let me know right away by emailing me at kathy@parentingbeyondwords.com, messaging me on fb @Kathy Whitham or replying to this post and I'll be sure to include tips for exactly that in my upcoming holiday bonus report, "10 Must Have Strategies to Stay Sane and Peaceful This Holiday Season!"

A timely tip to build self-confidence

2011-10-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

October 2011

I'm back! Did September go as fast for you as it did for me? Can I be honest with you? I've been letting the fact that I "should" have connected with you sooner freeze me up from just sitting down and writing to you. So today I got support by telling my hubby how immobile I was feeling and I took action by walking to my local coffee shop to write to you. I decided to free up the energy that it takes to NOT do something and remember my own advice - connection matters more than perfection!

I love the way you inspire me!

This month's tip is to MAKE MORE STATEMENTS and ASK FEWER QUESTIONS.

When my kids were little we would spend a lot of time at my parent's house. It was like a window into my own childhood. Lunch would go something like this: Are you ready for lunch? Do you want bologna or peanut butter? Do you want your bread toasted? Butter? Cut in triangles or squares? It's a lot to ask of a little kid!

In our desire to make our children happy and give them what they want, we have to be careful that we don't shift the parenting responsibility to them. Too many questions can feel overwhelming to a child. By taking responsibility, as the parent, for decisions about what's best for your child, you model self-confidence, build trust and become a secure anchor for your child.

Next time try, "It's lunch time. Here's your favorite sandwich." YOU know when they need to eat and what they like.

In Support,
Kathy

PS: Would you like help with your parenting challenges? You can easily schedule a 50 minute Peace at Home Parenting Consultation here:
https://my.timedriver.com/SPQT6

Defining Success

2011-09-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

As I sit at the kitchen table drinking warm ginger tea at dusk on a summer cool, New England evening, the question of how I define success as a mompreneur is tumbling in my head.

I find myself thinking that I would definitely be drinking coffee were it morning. Earlier today I had an epiphany that I don’t like being told that coffee’s not good for me! I gather myself around my coffee in the morning and take pleasure in the deliciousness of the dark, locally-roasted fresh-ground beans brewing their scent into the kitchen. Yup! Today I stopped “shoulding” on my coffee and decided to simply enjoy it without apology - a good metaphor, don’t you think?

My cup of Bali or Ethiopian anchors and inspires me as I plan the business of my day - listening inside to what I require to move my business forward and feel fulfilled at the end of the day. The answers come as I sip.

As a mompreneur, I can now put all the energy I want into the entrepreneur part without having to work around my three kids - now grown. But it wasn’t always like this and it’s the MOM part of mompreneur where I measure my success.

Back when they were younger, I was single and self-employed. I don’t even think the word mompreneur existed. Mostly, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted trying to survive each day, be a good mom and make money in a way that was both flexible and satisfying. Looking back, I would give anything to have known how to get the support I so desperately needed so I could have been calmer and more present with my kids and been able to enjoy them the way I wanted. At the time, I saw no alternative to being superwoman. This left me stressed out and physically compromised.

As my kids got older, I began to understand the impact my stress was having on them and knew I needed to change. With support, I became more emotionally present, and began to take better care of myself. I realized I didn’t have to do it all. These changes were key to the amazing relationships I have with my children and the creation of a business that allows me live my passion by helping families enjoy peace and harmony at home. At the core of my success is knowing that connection matters more than perfection.

So how do I define success? I look into the face of each of my children: The sweet dancing eyes of my oldest daughter who reclaimed her life from drugs 5 years ago and now lives with gusto, laughter and love; The deep turquoise pools of courage and determination in my middle one to boldly live the full beauty and expression of who he is; and the copper reflection, in my youngest son, of the brilliance, longing and possibility of a dancing physicist.

When I look at them...I see success.

Squat and Breathe

2011-06-22T10:16:00.001-07:00

I just got back from California where with a mix of wonder, amazement and pride, I joyously watched my baby boy graduate from The College of Creative Studies at U.C. Santa Barbara.

Looking at my son, John, and his fellow graduates in all their brilliance and creativity, I could see a future of infinite hope and possibility. I could also see...I've been a good Mom.

Well, it's June! School's ending. Summer's starting. I imagine there are a number of ways you might be feeling about that. There's no "right" way to feel, but I'm curious, "How is that for you?"

I really want to support you with exactly the tips you need for calm, confident parenting all summer long! To do this, I need you to answer two questions:

1) "What's your biggest parenting challenge?"

2) "What's the one burning question you wish you could ask me about parenting or discipline?"

You will find a link at the bottom of this post to easily answer these questions for me so I can send my most relevant parenting tips to your inbox every 2 weeks ... cool, huh?

Are you a scary giant?

I know it might sound unreasonable, but when your little one starts to get dys-regulated, (i.e. starts whining, being defiant, or melting down) getting down to your child's level can make the difference between a situation that ESCALATES and one that SETTLES DOWN. So squat down to his or her level and breathe.

Did you know your child could feel threatened simply by you standing over them? It's true! That's because a young child's brain is still dominated by the amygdala, the primitive, survival brain responsible to protect them from danger. Squatting down immediately decreases your child's unconscious fear response and breathing is regulating for you.

From this level it's also much easier to establish eye contact - not by trying to force it, but from a place of calm presence. This kind of eye contact calms your child down and helps you and your child feel closer. Why? Because it releases oxytocin, the anti-stress hormone in your child's brain (and yours too!)

Can you imagine how good it will feel to be the safe haven in the storm rather than the thunder?

In support,

Kathy

P.S. Please go to this link now and answer the two questions. http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/F32MDLD

The Wizard of Oz & Mr. T...huh?

2011-04-06T10:20:00.001-07:00

You know how in the "Wizard of Oz" the wizard appears big and loud and frightening and mean?

Remember at the end when Dorothy and her three friends are cowering before him ..... Toto pulls the curtain back to reveal a small, uncertain, scared little man hiding the curtain?

In my recent tele-class, I compared your child's challenging behaviors like: defiance, disrespect, aggression and even withdrawal to the big, scary projection of the wizard. I showed you that if you pull back the curtain you'll see a small, scared, overwhelmed child behind those behaviors.

With that in mind, I just had to share this short, fun video in which my friend and mentor, child behavior expert, Bryan Post, shows how "time-in" gets through to the scared child behind the curtain.

Doesn't it make sense to lovingly connect to your child when he or she feels overwhelmed?

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxFvQI89z4c

Mom ... Dad ... This is where it's at!

What do you think?

Don't You Want Some Attention Too ?

2010-12-17T13:03:00.000-08:00

You know how hard it is to stop what you’re doing and calm down for a minute? It’s like there’s always something you have to do – even more at this time of year!

I’ll be brief.

I bet you tend to take care of everyone else before yourself, right? Then, it’s really hard for there to be anything left by the end of the day for you. Ask me how I know!

What if taking care of yourself and nourishing your spirit is the BEST way to take care of everyone else – like putting the mask on first in an airplane?

I know it may be almost impossible for you to imagine making time for yourself right now, and that’s OK. You don’t have to!

But what if takes less than 7 minutes: the same time it takes for one commercial break, waiting on line in the bank or for your coffee to brew?

Don't you deserve 7 minutes devoted to YOU?

It may not seem like much, when you crave so much more but actually taking a baby step will go a lot further than doing nothing because it doesn’t feel like enough. Remember, without your baby’s first step they wouldn’t be running.

Your special gift this week is an audio that’s less than 7 minutes to nourish your spirit and help you feel calmer. Use the amazing, creative, problem solving skills everyone else counts on you for to find a quiet, comfortable place to be alone. It really will help and may be the best gift you give your family this season.

Download your audio here: http://tinyurl.com/27ymnqm

Practicing self-care is probably THE most important action you can take for the health and happiness of your children - to make them feel safe and help them feel good about themselves. That's why I’m totally committed to you having that in the coming year. Stay tuned…

Can I give you a KISS?

2010-12-16T17:44:00.000-08:00

You know those special holiday activities you want to have fun doing with your kids? Maybe it’s baking cookies, seeing holiday lights or a performance, or skating.

It doesn’t always go as you imagined, does it? You really have the best intentions and want so much to enjoy the experience with your child…but it’s TOO MUCH!

And when it gets to be too much, then no one’s having fun!

This week’s tip is to KISS – Keep It Super Simple!

Take whatever activity you want to do. Cut it in half! And then in half again! As a matter of fact, cut the whole to do list down while you’re at it.

Then, remember that the activity is the WHOLE time you spend with your child. What if the time waiting on line to see Santa, or the show, etc. was the best part of the whole experience for your child - the time they looked back on and always remembered? Imagine…

Want to bake cookies with your child? No, no not all those fancy cookies you have in mind! That never goes well. It’s not really about the cookies. Did you know that eating comfort food with your child releases Oxytocin, (the anti-stress hormone,) in your brain, allowing you and your child to feel a greater sense of connection and wellbeing?

So Keep It Super Simple and make comfort cookies – Rice Krispies Treats!

Here's a link to the classic recipe! http://www.ricekrispies.com

Enjoy!

Why I'm NOT wishing you happy holidays...

2010-11-30T15:13:00.000-08:00

Right after Thanksgiving, I asked my friend with young kids how she was doing. “I’m doing my best to survive the holidays!” she responded.

Can you relate?

Never mind visions of sugar plum fairies in your head…more likely it’s visions of the kids off school fighting with each other, or visions of your 6 year old having a tantrum when it’s time to sit down to dinner with your parents who flew in to spend the holidays enjoying their grandchildren.

I figured you didn’t need one more person telling you to be happy!

When you’re fighting daily battles with your kids, even the thought of the holidays can be overwhelming. You may not know how to solve the problems at home yet, but you CAN do one thing right now…BREATHE.

That’s right.If nothing else…BREATHE.

And what if it was enough… for now?

I know breathing alone won’t solve all your problems. It CAN, however, have a profound effect on how calm you feel. A calm parent is more present and effective no matter what the problems.

Want to learn how to become 50% -100% calmer with just a few breaths done right? Your own breath can be your best parenting ally. Watch my short video here.

To receive an amazingly simple tip to make the holidays easier AND a special little gift from me to you every week this month, put your name and email in the boxes at the top right.

Here’s to the possibility of more fun this season!

Kathy

Freedom & Safety - Part 2

2010-03-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

Did you know that stress and fear cause your thinking to become confused and distorted and make you forget what you know? If your anxiety and worry about your child seem out of proportion to the current situation, it could be because you are being triggered by a past experience, perhaps even in childhood. In this state of stress, you are not going to be able to think clearly enough to make the best decision you could.

Let's say you are trying to decide whether to give your child freedom in a certain area like going to school by him or her self, staying alone for a given time, or going to the corner store or a friend’s house alone. Naturally, the answer depends on many factors; your child’s age, their temperament, where you live, etc. All the factors need to be assessed from a reasonable, rational place in order to create a safe environment for your child.

The Secret is: Your brain needs to be calm to access that reasonable rational place. What that means is that taking care of your own stress is probably the best thing you can do for your child. As parents, it's easy to think of taking care of ourselves as selfish, therefore, bad. The thing is, your children learn to take care of them selves from how we treat ourselves, not how we treat them! So go ahead and do something you've been meaning to do just for you. You'll feel better and so will your child!

Next week, I'll talk about how what you feel can be even more important than what you say or do!

Would you like help de-activating your triggers? Just email me at kwhithamrn@gmail.com or schedule a complimentary strategy session.

How Much Freedom is Safe For Your Child?

2010-03-07T07:02:00.000-08:00

As parents, we want more than anything for our children to be safe. Our worst nightmare is that something may happen to our child. None of us would question our responsibility to keep our children safe. At the same time, however, we also want our children to become responsible and independent. The problem is, “How do you find the right balance between safety and freedom for your child?”

The solution is to be able to accurately assess what is and isn’t safe for your child by sorting out your own fearfulness, and then to do what’s best for your child from a place of calm clarity. This will develop in your child the self-confidence, good judgment, and ability to trust that he or she needs to safely and successfully navigate the outside world.

Over the next three weekly posts, I’m going to share why it is crucial to sort out whether you are being overly fearful or just using good judgment and reasonable caution. I’ll also let you in on 3 secrets you need to know to successfully find the safety-freedom balance that’s right for you and your child.

Sneak Preview: Did you know that STRESS causes confused and distorted thinking and makes you forget what you know?

Stay tuned...

In the meantime for support in ending the constant worry and developing the calm confidence that will help you find that balance between freedom and safety for your child, apply for a complimentary strategy session today.

When Your Child Is In Charge

2010-02-13T08:41:00.001-08:00

When our children talk back, have an attitude or act like they are in charge by being demanding or defiant, it is easy as a parent to want to prove we are the adult and to demand respect by attempting to control our child’s behavior. Often we resort to threatening, punishing or demanding that our child may not speak to us “like that!” It’s an “I’ll show you who’s boss” approach.

It’s ironic then, that in our attempt to be the adult from this authoritarian place, we are in a strange way actually giving more power to our child. We are reacting to the situation as if it’s a battle between us and our child. The only option that leaves us is to WIN.

A key misunderstanding in this approach is our interpretation that our child's behavior is something they are doing TO us. Taking this a step further, it defines our "adultness" by our ability to control our child and makes the child our reference point.

I agree that we need to be the adult with our children, and that children need to learn respect. The real question is HOW we are to be the adult. Sometimes we attribute to young children a deliberate desire to be in charge, as if that could actually feel secure to them. If you think about that rationally it’s a little crazy, isn’t it? What I am asking you to try on is this idea: We, as parents, step into our adultness by modeling leadership rather than needing to win. We step into being the adult when we take responsibility as the adult for our children by understanding that when our children are trying to be in charge, what they are craving and what they need is leadership, not control.

We begin to model leadership by learning to manage our own reactivity when our children push our buttons: to pause, breath, notice how we feel and then respond with presence and lead our children to the feeling of safety and connection they need and can't get to on their own in that moment.

"You're Not Listening!"

2010-01-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

Last week I was grocery shopping in my local coop. While waiting to check out in the tiny, crowded aisle, I saw a young mom winding her way through the crowd with her young son in tow. He was protesting about having to hold her hand. She seemed understandably frazzled trying to shop and manage a small child at the same time. The aisle was packed with people, shopping carts and boxes being unloaded, not to mention shelves at a child's eye level full of distractions. It was an over-stimulating and overwhelming environment even for me as an adult by myself!

I overheard mom say, “You have to hold my hand because you’re not listening.” The child whined through tears, “I’ll listen!" I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. I know that could have easily been me when my kids were small!

As I listened to this interaction, it struck me that the unintentional, underlying message to the child was something like, "It's your responsibility to deal with all this stress. Since you can't, I'm going to have to punish you by holding my hand!" Whoa! I had never thought of it like that! It was like a light bulb. It just wasn't possible in this environment for this young child to “listen” (which means stay focused and do what mom says without getting distracted.) It was an unrealistic expectation.

So what can you do as parents to make these necessary experiences less frustrating and more enjoyable?

1. Anticipate the situations you know are stressful for you and your child.

2. Prepare ahead of time. Tell your child, “We’re going to go into the store now and it’s very crowded. I really love you and it’s my job to keep you safe, so while we’re in the store I’m going to need to hold your hand. I know you might not always like that, but it’s the best way for me to keep you safe.” That just shifts the whole thing off the child so he is no longer responsible for stress and overwhelm that is beyond his capacity to handle.

3. Have realistic expectations.

4. Learn to see your child's behavior as a stress barometer.

5. Try to interrupt the stress with a joke, a few deep breaths, a hug or maybe even a quick break outside or in the bathroom where there is less stimulation.

I wouldn’t have thought like this back when my kids were small. With the perspective I have now, though, it seems to make a lot of sense and I wonder if it makes sense to you. Please share your thoughts and opinions. I'd love to hear them and also know what’s worked for you in similar situations.

PS: With the new year, I have 4 spots left for private clients. If you would like a complimentary consultation to explore your unique challenges with your child and find out whether Parenting Beyond Words coaching is right for you go to: www.parentingbeyondwords.com/coachingsystem.htm

22 Year Old In My Lap

2009-12-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

Something happened yesterday that made me feel so good about myself as a mom and so happy about my connection with my child that I just had to share it with you.

My 22 yr old came home looking a bit down. I asked him how his day was and he answered, "It was alright" in a way that didn't sound so alright. Trying to find out more, I responded with, "that sounds like you're alright in a not so alright way." After a bit he said, "It was just a long day." I didn't buy it.

At this point I wanted to reach out, by I had some of the same thoughts you might have had like: I don't know how to get him to talk to me; I don't know what to say; I don't want to be too pushy; It's too hard. I even had some feelings of being afraid I'd be rejected or not able to handle whatever it was. Nevertheless, I pulled up a chair, sat down and waited. (And even took a few deep breaths!)

I've learned the hard way that talking less or not at all is a much better invitation for a child to open up than pushing to find out what's wrong. My first unspoken clue to stay was that my kid didn't leave - so obvious, yet I almost missed it. Translation: "I want to be with you, mom." Slowly he began to talk a bit. As I listened, more came out.

I felt a bit awkward and uncomfortable at times both in saying nothing and trying to say the "right" thing. But that was ok. I didn't do it perfectly but I stayed! Being aware of my own feelings and as present as I could be to my child created the space for him to open up to me.

He became emotional, pulled his knees up under him on the chair and tucked his head down. As I looked at him, my perception shifted and the image was unmistakable - my child was curled up like a baby in the chair! I realized that here was the exact thing I'm always teaching parents about emotional age in times of stress - When we stress, we regress!"

I moved a little closer and took his hand. He let me (a clue I was on the right track.) I took baby steps to connect to that young age. My mommy heart was saying," I just want to take him in my lap and hold him!" My head was saying, "He's 22, he won't want that."

Despite my own hesitation, I wasn't feeling any resistance from my child, so I pulled gently and he came willingly out of his chair and right on to my lap, laying his head on my shoulder while I wrapped my arms around him -amazing. I held him in my lap, breathing and felt the rightness of it in my heart, knowing it was connection that was needed, not words.

A few minutes later he said, I'm thirsty and he got up to get a drink. He returned to his own chair able to tell me more about what was up.

I wanted to share this powerful experience with you because it shows how our children guide us to what they really need when we are able to translate what they are "saying." Awareness of the emotional age of my child has given me deeper connection with my child and helped him become more responsible and independent. What could be better?

If you're feeling frustrated and want to learn more about speaking your child's language, pick up your complimentary bonus report,"The 3 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make When Trying To Get Through To Their Child." by putting your name and email in the box at the top of this page.

Then, treat yourself to an individualized strategy session on me by emailing me today at kathy@parentingbeyondwords.com