Freedom & Safety - Part 2

Did you know that stress and fear cause your thinking to become confused and distorted and make you forget what you know? If your anxiety and worry about your child seem out of proportion to the current situation, it could be because you are being triggered by a past experience, perhaps even in childhood. In this state of stress, you are not going to be able to think clearly enough to make the best decision you could.

Let's say you are trying to decide whether to give your child freedom in a certain area like going to school by him or her self, staying alone for a given time, or going to the corner store or a friend’s house alone. Naturally, the answer depends on many factors; your child’s age, their temperament, where you live, etc. All the factors need to be assessed from a reasonable, rational place in order to create a safe environment for your child.

The Secret is: Your brain needs to be calm to access that reasonable rational place. What that means is that taking care of your own stress is probably the best thing you can do for your child. As parents, it's easy to think of taking care of ourselves as selfish, therefore, bad. The thing is, your children learn to take care of them selves from how we treat ourselves, not how we treat them! So go ahead and do something you've been meaning to do just for you. You'll feel better and so will your child!

Next week, I'll talk about how what you feel can be even more important than what you say or do!

Would you like help de-activating your triggers? Just email me at kwhithamrn@gmail.com or schedule a complimentary strategy session.

How Much Freedom is Safe For Your Child?

As parents, we want more than anything for our children to be safe. Our worst nightmare is that something may happen to our child. None of us would question our responsibility to keep our children safe. At the same time, however, we also want our children to become responsible and independent. The problem is, “How do you find the right balance between safety and freedom for your child?”

The solution is to be able to accurately assess what is and isn’t safe for your child by sorting out your own fearfulness, and then to do what’s best for your child from a place of calm clarity. This will develop in your child the self-confidence, good judgment, and ability to trust that he or she needs to safely and successfully navigate the outside world.

Over the next three weekly posts, I’m going to share why it is crucial to sort out whether you are being overly fearful or just using good judgment and reasonable caution. I’ll also let you in on 3 secrets you need to know to successfully find the safety-freedom balance that’s right for you and your child.

Sneak Preview: Did you know that STRESS causes confused and distorted thinking and makes you forget what you know?

Stay tuned...

In the meantime for support in ending the constant worry and developing the calm confidence that will help you find that balance between freedom and safety for your child, apply for a complimentary strategy session today.

When Your Child Is In Charge

When our children talk back, have an attitude or act like they are in charge by being demanding or defiant, it is easy as a parent to want to prove we are the adult and to demand respect by attempting to control our child’s behavior. Often we resort to threatening, punishing or demanding that our child may not speak to us “like that!” It’s an “I’ll show you who’s boss” approach.

It’s ironic then, that in our attempt to be the adult from this authoritarian place, we are in a strange way actually giving more power to our child. We are reacting to the situation as if it’s a battle between us and our child. The only option that leaves us is to WIN.

A key misunderstanding in this approach is our interpretation that our child's behavior is something they are doing TO us. Taking this a step further, it defines our "adultness" by our ability to control our child and makes the child our reference point.

I agree that we need to be the adult with our children, and that children need to learn respect. The real question is HOW we are to be the adult. Sometimes we attribute to young children a deliberate desire to be in charge, as if that could actually feel secure to them. If you think about that rationally it’s a little crazy, isn’t it? What I am asking you to try on is this idea: We, as parents, step into our adultness by modeling leadership rather than needing to win. We step into being the adult when we take responsibility as the adult for our children by understanding that when our children are trying to be in charge, what they are craving and what they need is leadership, not control.

We begin to model leadership by learning to manage our own reactivity when our children push our buttons: to pause, breath, notice how we feel and then respond with presence and lead our children to the feeling of safety and connection they need and can't get to on their own in that moment.

"You're Not Listening!"

Last week I was grocery shopping in my local coop. While waiting to check out in the tiny, crowded aisle, I saw a young mom winding her way through the crowd with her young son in tow. He was protesting about having to hold her hand. She seemed understandably frazzled trying to shop and manage a small child at the same time. The aisle was packed with people, shopping carts and boxes being unloaded, not to mention shelves at a child's eye level full of distractions. It was an over-stimulating and overwhelming environment even for me as an adult by myself!

I overheard mom say, “You have to hold my hand because you’re not listening.” The child whined through tears, “I’ll listen!" I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. I know that could have easily been me when my kids were small!

As I listened to this interaction, it struck me that the unintentional, underlying message to the child was something like, "It's your responsibility to deal with all this stress. Since you can't, I'm going to have to punish you by holding my hand!" Whoa! I had never thought of it like that! It was like a light bulb. It just wasn't possible in this environment for this young child to “listen” (which means stay focused and do what mom says without getting distracted.) It was an unrealistic expectation.

So what can you do as parents to make these necessary experiences less frustrating and more enjoyable?

1. Anticipate the situations you know are stressful for you and your child.

2. Prepare ahead of time. Tell your child, “We’re going to go into the store now and it’s very crowded. I really love you and it’s my job to keep you safe, so while we’re in the store I’m going to need to hold your hand. I know you might not always like that, but it’s the best way for me to keep you safe.” That just shifts the whole thing off the child so he is no longer responsible for stress and overwhelm that is beyond his capacity to handle.

3. Have realistic expectations.

4. Learn to see your child's behavior as a stress barometer.

5. Try to interrupt the stress with a joke, a few deep breaths, a hug or maybe even a quick break outside or in the bathroom where there is less stimulation.

I wouldn’t have thought like this back when my kids were small. With the perspective I have now, though, it seems to make a lot of sense and I wonder if it makes sense to you. Please share your thoughts and opinions. I'd love to hear them and also know what’s worked for you in similar situations.

PS: With the new year, I have 4 spots left for private clients. If you would like a complimentary consultation to explore your unique challenges with your child and find out whether Parenting Beyond Words coaching is right for you go to: www.parentingbeyondwords.com/coachingsystem.htm

22 Year Old In My Lap

Something happened yesterday that made me feel so good about myself as a mom and so happy about my connection with my child that I just had to share it with you.

My 22 yr old came home looking a bit down. I asked him how his day was and he answered, "It was alright" in a way that didn't sound so alright. Trying to find out more, I responded with, "that sounds like you're alright in a not so alright way." After a bit he said, "It was just a long day." I didn't buy it.

At this point I wanted to reach out, by I had some of the same thoughts you might have had like: I don't know how to get him to talk to me; I don't know what to say; I don't want to be too pushy; It's too hard. I even had some feelings of being afraid I'd be rejected or not able to handle whatever it was. Nevertheless, I pulled up a chair, sat down and waited. (And even took a few deep breaths!)

I've learned the hard way that talking less or not at all is a much better invitation for a child to open up than pushing to find out what's wrong. My first unspoken clue to stay was that my kid didn't leave - so obvious, yet I almost missed it. Translation: "I want to be with you, mom." Slowly he began to talk a bit. As I listened, more came out.

I felt a bit awkward and uncomfortable at times both in saying nothing and trying to say the "right" thing. But that was ok. I didn't do it perfectly but I stayed! Being aware of my own feelings and as present as I could be to my child created the space for him to open up to me.

He became emotional, pulled his knees up under him on the chair and tucked his head down. As I looked at him, my perception shifted and the image was unmistakable - my child was curled up like a baby in the chair! I realized that here was the exact thing I'm always teaching parents about emotional age in times of stress - When we stress, we regress!"

I moved a little closer and took his hand. He let me (a clue I was on the right track.) I took baby steps to connect to that young age. My mommy heart was saying," I just want to take him in my lap and hold him!" My head was saying, "He's 22, he won't want that."

Despite my own hesitation, I wasn't feeling any resistance from my child, so I pulled gently and he came willingly out of his chair and right on to my lap, laying his head on my shoulder while I wrapped my arms around him -amazing. I held him in my lap, breathing and felt the rightness of it in my heart, knowing it was connection that was needed, not words.

A few minutes later he said, I'm thirsty and he got up to get a drink. He returned to his own chair able to tell me more about what was up.

I wanted to share this powerful experience with you because it shows how our children guide us to what they really need when we are able to translate what they are "saying." Awareness of the emotional age of my child has given me deeper connection with my child and helped him become more responsible and independent. What could be better?

If you're feeling frustrated and want to learn more about speaking your child's language, pick up your complimentary bonus report,"The 3 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make When Trying To Get Through To Their Child." by putting your name and email in the box at the top of this page.

Then, treat yourself to an individualized strategy session on me by emailing me today at kathy@parentingbeyondwords.com