What Do Art and Behavior Have in Common?

What do Art and Behavior Have in Common?

Sometimes what we feel is messy. Sometimes it goes outside the lines, spills on the floor or gets our clothes dirty. Sometimes what we feel isn’t nice. When did you decide your feelings had to be nice?

Making a space for your child to express him or herself creatively requires ignoring the mess for a while in order to allow the creative process to unfold. Sharing the art-making experience with your child is a wonderful way to be close. In the same way, making a space for your child to express him or herself emotionally requires ignoring the splattered behavior and messy words temporarily (as long as everyone is safe) and tuning in to what your child is expressing. What if that acting out behavior was simply the picture of an overwhelmed child?

Emotional expression, like creative expression comes from the right brain, which “thinks” in images, intuition and imagination. The left brain “thinks” in logic and language. Children are emotional creatures. They’re wired that way for survival which means their right brain is in the drivers seat when it comes to their behavior. That’s why children use behavior, and words that aren’t nice, to communicate or paint a messy picture of what they’re feeling. They simply don’t have the words to tell you.

Your child’s behavior is an out-picturing of the feelings inside him or her whether “good” or “bad.” It’s not personal any more than the dripped or splattered paint during art-making is personal. I know that may a new way to see it, but just try it on for now. An even better relationship with your child awaits on the other side.

Let me show you what I mean. In this first vignette, mom takes Sam’s behavior personally, causing her to be even more stressed out:
Mom: “Time to get ready for bed”
Sam: “No! I’m not tired!”
Mom: “You need to do what I say and get ready for bed.”
Sam: “I hate you!”
Mom: “That’s not nice! You need to apologize to mommy.”
The battle between mom and Sam escalates leading to frustration, and perhaps yelling and tears....

In this vignette, mom validates Sam’s feelings and helps him become calm - leading to a peaceful bedtime:
Mom: “Time to get ready for bed”
Sam: “No! I’m not tired!”
Mom: “It’s time to get ready for bed.”
Sam: “I hate you!”
Mom(takes a deep breath): “Wow what a big feeling - you sound/look mad!” (Mom gives him the words to match how he seems to be feeling)
Sam: “I am mad!”
Mom: “Tell me!” Mom has stepped off the battlefield and has tapped into Sam’s right brain in order to connect emotionally. Using the 5 senses she asks questions like:
Show me how big your mad is (using her hands)
What color is it?
How loud is it?
Is it hard or soft?
After a while, Sam feels better and mom is able to take his hand and lead him calmly up to bed.

The creation of art can be messy. Why do we feel the need to clean up our child’s feelings and make them neat?

Tired of Hearing Your Child Say, "NO!"

So, I'm wondering...are you tired of hearing your child say "NO" to you?

Do you run into resistance every time you ask your child to do something like, "Get dressed for school," "Come to dinner," "Pick up your clothes," or "Leave your brother alone"? Perhaps your child just ignores you as you repeat yourself 20 times! But often, it's an outright, immediate and defiant, "NO"!

It's time to Stop, Drop and Breathe.

When your child says "NO," it can make you want to push right back and try to exert control! The problem is that no matter how reasonable the thing you're asking of your child is, simply the act of asking it triggers a split second reaction to the "threat" of change or transition in your child's little survival brain. The "NO" is like a spark. It's the same as if a saber-toothed tiger suddenly appeared!

Breathe and stay with me here while I share something important...

In that defiant moment is where you have the greatest opportunity to teach your child the values you want most for them: responsibility, respect, empathy and cooperation. But not if you ignite the spark! Your power as a parent lies in cooling the fire rather than fueling the fire.

So how do you do this?

STOP, DROP AND B-R-E-E-A-T-H-E

#1 STOP - stop talking

#2 DROP - drop down to your child's level (or step back)

#3 B-R-E-E-A-T-H-E - If you say it like this, you'll BREATHE OUT FIRST which is what you want to do to stop your stress reaction. Then take 3 more deep breaths IN AND OUT. This will pull you back from the end of your rope.

It doesn't matter how many parenting tools you have in your toolbox if when you need them - you can't open your toolbox or even find it! When you Stop, Drop, and Breathe you cool the fire and allow your child the space to make the transition so they can listen better and feel connected to you at the same time.

To find out more about how to go from stress to success when dealing with resistance, defiance, disrespect and just plain not listening come to my free tele-class this Tuesday, March 13th. Just go to http://www.parentingbeyondwords.com/312teleclass

A Calming Holiday Tip

Are you panicking, even a little, over the Holidays? With all the stress around family, food, traveling and unmet expectations, it's not surprising!

When you're more stressed, it's a given your child will also be more stressed. His or her stress (think overwhelm) will show up in behavior like not listening...even more than usual! Why? Because dys-regulation causes the left brain - the part that thinks in words - to go off line.

So BREATHE MORE and TALK LESS.

The more you remember to breathe, the calmer you'll feel. That'll shift the vibes and have a positive effect on your child. Then...rather than wearing yourself out repeating the same thing over and over, find a non-verbal way to get the result you want.

For example: Instead of repeatedly calling across the room, "Come over here!" Go to your child. Confidently take her hand or playfully scoop him up and bring him to you.

You'll conserve your energy, maintain your sanity and enjoy your Holidays so much more!

Parent Advisory!

**WARNING** Due to the recent change from daylight savings to standard time, your child may be crankier, more demanding, more prone to meltdowns and fighting with siblings.

ANTICIPATE AND REGULATE!

Re-setting the clock throws off our circadian rhythm which causes our bodies extra stress for a few days or even a week or more. While adjusting to this change, both you and your child may have a smaller window of tolerance (ie: be closer to the breaking point.) Your child won't know that s(he)'s stressed out, but that's what his or her behavior will be telling you. Instead of letting it get to you, EXPECT IT an BE PROACTIVE!

Here are 5 stress-busting strategies to make this a more peaceful week:

#1 Make it easy - for example: order pizza (even if it's not something you usually do.) A good question to ask yourself is, "What is the one thing I require today to make my life easier?" And then give yourself that gift.

#2 Minimize activities for your child this week (If you must do something extra, be really, really selective and DON'T do it at night.)

#3 Eat "early" - your child's tummy doesn't know the clocks changed! (Remember..being hungry is a stress.)

#4 When it comes to bedtime: Start early! Stay on task! Breathe! Are you hoping your child will sleep later because s(he) goes to bed later? NOT happening!

#5 Since your child is going to wake up early anyway - and you probably will too...why not start a new habit in the morning and use that extra time to simply hang out or cuddle with your child for a few minutes. It will release Oxytocin, and you and your child will feel calm, close and connected. Can you imagine a better way to start the day?

In conclusion, when the going gets rough, REMEMBER WHY your child is acting the way s(he) is and say, "We're all a bit dys-regulated because of the time change but WE'RE GOING TO BE OK!"

In support,

Kathy

PS: What are YOU looking for this holiday season?? Let me know right away by emailing me at kathy@parentingbeyondwords.com, messaging me on fb @Kathy Whitham or replying to this post and I'll be sure to include tips for exactly that in my upcoming holiday bonus report, "10 Must Have Strategies to Stay Sane and Peaceful This Holiday Season!"

A timely tip to build self-confidence

October 2011

I'm back! Did September go as fast for you as it did for me? Can I be honest with you? I've been letting the fact that I "should" have connected with you sooner freeze me up from just sitting down and writing to you. So today I got support by telling my hubby how immobile I was feeling and I took action by walking to my local coffee shop to write to you. I decided to free up the energy that it takes to NOT do something and remember my own advice - connection matters more than perfection!

I love the way you inspire me!

This month's tip is to MAKE MORE STATEMENTS and ASK FEWER QUESTIONS.

When my kids were little we would spend a lot of time at my parent's house. It was like a window into my own childhood. Lunch would go something like this: Are you ready for lunch? Do you want bologna or peanut butter? Do you want your bread toasted? Butter? Cut in triangles or squares? It's a lot to ask of a little kid!

In our desire to make our children happy and give them what they want, we have to be careful that we don't shift the parenting responsibility to them. Too many questions can feel overwhelming to a child. By taking responsibility, as the parent, for decisions about what's best for your child, you model self-confidence, build trust and become a secure anchor for your child.

Next time try, "It's lunch time. Here's your favorite sandwich." YOU know when they need to eat and what they like.

In Support,
Kathy

PS: Would you like help with your parenting challenges? You can easily schedule a 50 minute Peace at Home Parenting Consultation here:
https://my.timedriver.com/SPQT6

Defining Success

As I sit at the kitchen table drinking warm ginger tea at dusk on a summer cool, New England evening, the question of how I define success as a mompreneur is tumbling in my head.

I find myself thinking that I would definitely be drinking coffee were it morning. Earlier today I had an epiphany that I don’t like being told that coffee’s not good for me! I gather myself around my coffee in the morning and take pleasure in the deliciousness of the dark, locally-roasted fresh-ground beans brewing their scent into the kitchen. Yup! Today I stopped “shoulding” on my coffee and decided to simply enjoy it without apology - a good metaphor, don’t you think?

My cup of Bali or Ethiopian anchors and inspires me as I plan the business of my day - listening inside to what I require to move my business forward and feel fulfilled at the end of the day. The answers come as I sip.

As a mompreneur, I can now put all the energy I want into the entrepreneur part without having to work around my three kids - now grown. But it wasn’t always like this and it’s the MOM part of mompreneur where I measure my success.

Back when they were younger, I was single and self-employed. I don’t even think the word mompreneur existed. Mostly, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted trying to survive each day, be a good mom and make money in a way that was both flexible and satisfying. Looking back, I would give anything to have known how to get the support I so desperately needed so I could have been calmer and more present with my kids and been able to enjoy them the way I wanted. At the time, I saw no alternative to being superwoman. This left me stressed out and physically compromised.

As my kids got older, I began to understand the impact my stress was having on them and knew I needed to change. With support, I became more emotionally present, and began to take better care of myself. I realized I didn’t have to do it all. These changes were key to the amazing relationships I have with my children and the creation of a business that allows me live my passion by helping families enjoy peace and harmony at home. At the core of my success is knowing that connection matters more than perfection.

So how do I define success? I look into the face of each of my children: The sweet dancing eyes of my oldest daughter who reclaimed her life from drugs 5 years ago and now lives with gusto, laughter and love; The deep turquoise pools of courage and determination in my middle one to boldly live the full beauty and expression of who he is; and the copper reflection, in my youngest son, of the brilliance, longing and possibility of a dancing physicist.

When I look at them...I see success.

Squat and Breathe

I just got back from California where with a mix of wonder, amazement and pride, I joyously watched my baby boy graduate from The College of Creative Studies at U.C. Santa Barbara.

Looking at my son, John, and his fellow graduates in all their brilliance and creativity, I could see a future of infinite hope and possibility. I could also see...I've been a good Mom.

Well, it's June! School's ending. Summer's starting. I imagine there are a number of ways you might be feeling about that. There's no "right" way to feel, but I'm curious, "How is that for you?"

I really want to support you with exactly the tips you need for calm, confident parenting all summer long! To do this, I need you to answer two questions:

1) "What's your biggest parenting challenge?"

2) "What's the one burning question you wish you could ask me about parenting or discipline?"

You will find a link at the bottom of this post to easily answer these questions for me so I can send my most relevant parenting tips to your inbox every 2 weeks ... cool, huh?

Are you a scary giant?

I know it might sound unreasonable, but when your little one starts to get dys-regulated, (i.e. starts whining, being defiant, or melting down) getting down to your child's level can make the difference between a situation that ESCALATES and one that SETTLES DOWN. So squat down to his or her level and breathe.

Did you know your child could feel threatened simply by you standing over them? It's true! That's because a young child's brain is still dominated by the amygdala, the primitive, survival brain responsible to protect them from danger. Squatting down immediately decreases your child's unconscious fear response and breathing is regulating for you.

From this level it's also much easier to establish eye contact - not by trying to force it, but from a place of calm presence. This kind of eye contact calms your child down and helps you and your child feel closer. Why? Because it releases oxytocin, the anti-stress hormone in your child's brain (and yours too!)

Can you imagine how good it will feel to be the safe haven in the storm rather than the thunder?

In support,

Kathy

P.S. Please go to this link now and answer the two questions. http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/F32MDLD