Receiving Permission

This month’s blog post is very personal note from me. My intention is that by sharing this piece of my journey it will create a space of permission for you - for whatever it is you require right now.

It’s been 2 years since I came to this home in which I grew up in Massachusetts to care for and be only child to my mom during her final season. The dogwood outside her window accompanied us on that journey as it budded, spring into glorious blossom, basked in its beauty and fully leafed the petals away.

I ended up staying here since then in the embrace of this home I grew up in, while my husband remained in NYC to continue working at his job.

My dogwood accompanies me again as I feel myself opening up to a new level of receiving its beauty and my own. It’s most glorious right outside the bathroom window - perfect for frequent viewing!

And now my heart’s desire is to create a beautiful opportunity for completion by finishing the work of cleaning out the house - taking all the resources I require and releasing everything that no longer serves me.

I’ve decided to allow myself the full experience of this process...and to honor it by choosing to take some things off my plate rather than defaulting to my old pattern of trying to do it all and feeling overwhelmed while trying to convince myself that I am enough.

What do you require permission for?

Warmly in support,

Kathy

Ps: So many of you have me know how much you love the “Quick Notes.” Thank you! I’m enjoying them too. If you haven’t tried them out yet, they’re  a great way to focus, calm and ground you for the day - and only one sentence delivered to your inbox twice a week. Pick them up here: www.parentingbeyondwords.com/quicknotes 

I had the gorgeous opportunity to experience spring in the desert of AZ last weekend (as captured above by my friend, Bea Solya) - Wow! So different from the east coast - love that! And...what a beautiful gift of growth and healing as a woman I was able to receive at the Elegant Femme event I was attending there.

So...Why is a HOLDING HAND sometimes better than a HELPING HAND ?

How hard is it for you to see your child frustrated or unhappy? Don't you sometimes just want to jump in and fix it for them! I know I used to do that a LOT when my kids were small…

It's undenyable that you need to jump in when necessary. However, in order for your child to have the self-confidence you desire for them - the self-confidence that will allow your child to feel really good about him or herself - it's crucial to strengthen you child's inner resources.

My friend, Stacy, posted this true story to fb recently and she said I could share it with you. Out of the mouth of her 3 year old, Sage, comes amazing wisdom!

As we are driving to daycare last week, the kids had whiteboards and they were practicing their letters. This is the discussion:
Stella (age 5): "Mom, I can't write an 'R.'"
Sage: "Stella, we don't say, 'can't' in this family."
Stella: "But I don't know how to do it…"
Sage: "Then you ask for help, sister, or try harder"
Stella: "Can you help me make the 'R' Sage?"
Sage: "No, Stella, I'm 3. I don't know how to make an 'R' but I can hold your hand." (holds out hand, Stella grabs it and tries again)
Stella: "Yay! I did it…I made an 'R'! "

WOW!

It can be hard as a parent to make space for your own uncomfortable feelings that come up when your child is struggling. But the more space you're able to make for your own difficult feelings, the more you can stay present with your child and make room to validate their difficult feelings.

Simply offer to hold his or her hand or calmly sit nearby BEFORE jumping in to help your child AND before he or she melts down. This builds the resilience required to handle frustration, and develop great self-confidence.

Then, rather than praising the result - "Good job!" - which is OUTSIDE your child, acknowledge the quality INSIDE them that you see - "You really stuck to it till you got it" or "You really kept trying, even though you didn't know how to do all of it yet." "Let's finish it together."

I'm curious to hear what you got out of this interaction between Stella and Sage. Let me know by posting below...

If you want to learn even more about how to have the kind of relationship with your child that will build strong self-confidence, pick up my free bonus report today by putting your name and email in the box above.

Daylight Savings with LESS STRESS

It’s daylight savings and you know what that means! Getting your child up in the morning and to bed at night, often two of the main battles of the day, will be even more challenging than usual…

We can reset the clock by simply pushing a button. It’s not as easy to reset our child’s body clock (or ours for that matter.) That’s because the change to daylight savings time disrupts our circadian rhythm, the cycle of our physiological processes over 24 hours. This disruption can cause problems sleeping and eating normally beyond just the time they're happening.
Adjusting to daylight savings time can take a few days or even longer – think major jet lag.

Here are 3 stress to success strategies you can utilize this week to help make the adjustment easier for all of you…

#1 PREPARE BY BEING AWARE

In my parenting tele-class last week I showed how your child’s behavior is a communication of stress and overwhelm. This disruption in circadian rhythm is a form of stress so EXPECT IT to show up in some additional behavior challenges. Then you won’t be taken by surprise!

#2 BUILD IN EXTRA TIME

Clear your plate as much as you can this week and give yourself and your child extra time at BOTH ends of the day. That way YOU will feel less stressed and be able to have more patience to give your child a bit longer to do what they need to do.
#3 BE PROACTIVE RATHER THAN REACTIVE

Invest an extra 5-10 minutes of mommy or daddy time with your child: In the morning when (s)he is waking up and in the evening between dinner and bed (This is where the extra time you built in in #2 comes into play)

This investment will deepen your relationship with your child while saving time and energy in the long run!

What Do Art and Behavior Have in Common?

What do Art and Behavior Have in Common?

Sometimes what we feel is messy. Sometimes it goes outside the lines, spills on the floor or gets our clothes dirty. Sometimes what we feel isn’t nice. When did you decide your feelings had to be nice?

Making a space for your child to express him or herself creatively requires ignoring the mess for a while in order to allow the creative process to unfold. Sharing the art-making experience with your child is a wonderful way to be close. In the same way, making a space for your child to express him or herself emotionally requires ignoring the splattered behavior and messy words temporarily (as long as everyone is safe) and tuning in to what your child is expressing. What if that acting out behavior was simply the picture of an overwhelmed child?

Emotional expression, like creative expression comes from the right brain, which “thinks” in images, intuition and imagination. The left brain “thinks” in logic and language. Children are emotional creatures. They’re wired that way for survival which means their right brain is in the drivers seat when it comes to their behavior. That’s why children use behavior, and words that aren’t nice, to communicate or paint a messy picture of what they’re feeling. They simply don’t have the words to tell you.

Your child’s behavior is an out-picturing of the feelings inside him or her whether “good” or “bad.” It’s not personal any more than the dripped or splattered paint during art-making is personal. I know that may a new way to see it, but just try it on for now. An even better relationship with your child awaits on the other side.

Let me show you what I mean. In this first vignette, mom takes Sam’s behavior personally, causing her to be even more stressed out:
Mom: “Time to get ready for bed”
Sam: “No! I’m not tired!”
Mom: “You need to do what I say and get ready for bed.”
Sam: “I hate you!”
Mom: “That’s not nice! You need to apologize to mommy.”
The battle between mom and Sam escalates leading to frustration, and perhaps yelling and tears....

In this vignette, mom validates Sam’s feelings and helps him become calm - leading to a peaceful bedtime:
Mom: “Time to get ready for bed”
Sam: “No! I’m not tired!”
Mom: “It’s time to get ready for bed.”
Sam: “I hate you!”
Mom(takes a deep breath): “Wow what a big feeling - you sound/look mad!” (Mom gives him the words to match how he seems to be feeling)
Sam: “I am mad!”
Mom: “Tell me!” Mom has stepped off the battlefield and has tapped into Sam’s right brain in order to connect emotionally. Using the 5 senses she asks questions like:
Show me how big your mad is (using her hands)
What color is it?
How loud is it?
Is it hard or soft?
After a while, Sam feels better and mom is able to take his hand and lead him calmly up to bed.

The creation of art can be messy. Why do we feel the need to clean up our child’s feelings and make them neat?

Tired of Hearing Your Child Say, "NO!"

So, I'm wondering...are you tired of hearing your child say "NO" to you?

Do you run into resistance every time you ask your child to do something like, "Get dressed for school," "Come to dinner," "Pick up your clothes," or "Leave your brother alone"? Perhaps your child just ignores you as you repeat yourself 20 times! But often, it's an outright, immediate and defiant, "NO"!

It's time to Stop, Drop and Breathe.

When your child says "NO," it can make you want to push right back and try to exert control! The problem is that no matter how reasonable the thing you're asking of your child is, simply the act of asking it triggers a split second reaction to the "threat" of change or transition in your child's little survival brain. The "NO" is like a spark. It's the same as if a saber-toothed tiger suddenly appeared!

Breathe and stay with me here while I share something important...

In that defiant moment is where you have the greatest opportunity to teach your child the values you want most for them: responsibility, respect, empathy and cooperation. But not if you ignite the spark! Your power as a parent lies in cooling the fire rather than fueling the fire.

So how do you do this?

STOP, DROP AND B-R-E-E-A-T-H-E

#1 STOP - stop talking

#2 DROP - drop down to your child's level (or step back)

#3 B-R-E-E-A-T-H-E - If you say it like this, you'll BREATHE OUT FIRST which is what you want to do to stop your stress reaction. Then take 3 more deep breaths IN AND OUT. This will pull you back from the end of your rope.

It doesn't matter how many parenting tools you have in your toolbox if when you need them - you can't open your toolbox or even find it! When you Stop, Drop, and Breathe you cool the fire and allow your child the space to make the transition so they can listen better and feel connected to you at the same time.

To find out more about how to go from stress to success when dealing with resistance, defiance, disrespect and just plain not listening come to my free tele-class this Tuesday, March 13th. Just go to http://www.parentingbeyondwords.com/312teleclass

A Calming Holiday Tip

Are you panicking, even a little, over the Holidays? With all the stress around family, food, traveling and unmet expectations, it's not surprising!

When you're more stressed, it's a given your child will also be more stressed. His or her stress (think overwhelm) will show up in behavior like not listening...even more than usual! Why? Because dys-regulation causes the left brain - the part that thinks in words - to go off line.

So BREATHE MORE and TALK LESS.

The more you remember to breathe, the calmer you'll feel. That'll shift the vibes and have a positive effect on your child. Then...rather than wearing yourself out repeating the same thing over and over, find a non-verbal way to get the result you want.

For example: Instead of repeatedly calling across the room, "Come over here!" Go to your child. Confidently take her hand or playfully scoop him up and bring him to you.

You'll conserve your energy, maintain your sanity and enjoy your Holidays so much more!

Parent Advisory!

**WARNING** Due to the recent change from daylight savings to standard time, your child may be crankier, more demanding, more prone to meltdowns and fighting with siblings.

ANTICIPATE AND REGULATE!

Re-setting the clock throws off our circadian rhythm which causes our bodies extra stress for a few days or even a week or more. While adjusting to this change, both you and your child may have a smaller window of tolerance (ie: be closer to the breaking point.) Your child won't know that s(he)'s stressed out, but that's what his or her behavior will be telling you. Instead of letting it get to you, EXPECT IT an BE PROACTIVE!

Here are 5 stress-busting strategies to make this a more peaceful week:

#1 Make it easy - for example: order pizza (even if it's not something you usually do.) A good question to ask yourself is, "What is the one thing I require today to make my life easier?" And then give yourself that gift.

#2 Minimize activities for your child this week (If you must do something extra, be really, really selective and DON'T do it at night.)

#3 Eat "early" - your child's tummy doesn't know the clocks changed! (Remember..being hungry is a stress.)

#4 When it comes to bedtime: Start early! Stay on task! Breathe! Are you hoping your child will sleep later because s(he) goes to bed later? NOT happening!

#5 Since your child is going to wake up early anyway - and you probably will too...why not start a new habit in the morning and use that extra time to simply hang out or cuddle with your child for a few minutes. It will release Oxytocin, and you and your child will feel calm, close and connected. Can you imagine a better way to start the day?

In conclusion, when the going gets rough, REMEMBER WHY your child is acting the way s(he) is and say, "We're all a bit dys-regulated because of the time change but WE'RE GOING TO BE OK!"

In support,

Kathy

PS: What are YOU looking for this holiday season?? Let me know right away by emailing me at kathy@parentingbeyondwords.com, messaging me on fb @Kathy Whitham or replying to this post and I'll be sure to include tips for exactly that in my upcoming holiday bonus report, "10 Must Have Strategies to Stay Sane and Peaceful This Holiday Season!"