Freedom & Safety - Part 2

Did you know that stress and fear cause your thinking to become confused and distorted and make you forget what you know? If your anxiety and worry about your child seem out of proportion to the current situation, it could be because you are being triggered by a past experience, perhaps even in childhood. In this state of stress, you are not going to be able to think clearly enough to make the best decision you could.

Let's say you are trying to decide whether to give your child freedom in a certain area like going to school by him or her self, staying alone for a given time, or going to the corner store or a friend’s house alone. Naturally, the answer depends on many factors; your child’s age, their temperament, where you live, etc. All the factors need to be assessed from a reasonable, rational place in order to create a safe environment for your child.

The Secret is: Your brain needs to be calm to access that reasonable rational place. What that means is that taking care of your own stress is probably the best thing you can do for your child. As parents, it's easy to think of taking care of ourselves as selfish, therefore, bad. The thing is, your children learn to take care of them selves from how we treat ourselves, not how we treat them! So go ahead and do something you've been meaning to do just for you. You'll feel better and so will your child!

Next week, I'll talk about how what you feel can be even more important than what you say or do!

Would you like help de-activating your triggers? Just email me at kwhithamrn@gmail.com or schedule a complimentary strategy session.

How Much Freedom is Safe For Your Child?

As parents, we want more than anything for our children to be safe. Our worst nightmare is that something may happen to our child. None of us would question our responsibility to keep our children safe. At the same time, however, we also want our children to become responsible and independent. The problem is, “How do you find the right balance between safety and freedom for your child?”

The solution is to be able to accurately assess what is and isn’t safe for your child by sorting out your own fearfulness, and then to do what’s best for your child from a place of calm clarity. This will develop in your child the self-confidence, good judgment, and ability to trust that he or she needs to safely and successfully navigate the outside world.

Over the next three weekly posts, I’m going to share why it is crucial to sort out whether you are being overly fearful or just using good judgment and reasonable caution. I’ll also let you in on 3 secrets you need to know to successfully find the safety-freedom balance that’s right for you and your child.

Sneak Preview: Did you know that STRESS causes confused and distorted thinking and makes you forget what you know?

Stay tuned...

In the meantime for support in ending the constant worry and developing the calm confidence that will help you find that balance between freedom and safety for your child, apply for a complimentary strategy session today.

"You're Not Listening!"

Last week I was grocery shopping in my local coop. While waiting to check out in the tiny, crowded aisle, I saw a young mom winding her way through the crowd with her young son in tow. He was protesting about having to hold her hand. She seemed understandably frazzled trying to shop and manage a small child at the same time. The aisle was packed with people, shopping carts and boxes being unloaded, not to mention shelves at a child's eye level full of distractions. It was an over-stimulating and overwhelming environment even for me as an adult by myself!

I overheard mom say, “You have to hold my hand because you’re not listening.” The child whined through tears, “I’ll listen!" I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. I know that could have easily been me when my kids were small!

As I listened to this interaction, it struck me that the unintentional, underlying message to the child was something like, "It's your responsibility to deal with all this stress. Since you can't, I'm going to have to punish you by holding my hand!" Whoa! I had never thought of it like that! It was like a light bulb. It just wasn't possible in this environment for this young child to “listen” (which means stay focused and do what mom says without getting distracted.) It was an unrealistic expectation.

So what can you do as parents to make these necessary experiences less frustrating and more enjoyable?

1. Anticipate the situations you know are stressful for you and your child.

2. Prepare ahead of time. Tell your child, “We’re going to go into the store now and it’s very crowded. I really love you and it’s my job to keep you safe, so while we’re in the store I’m going to need to hold your hand. I know you might not always like that, but it’s the best way for me to keep you safe.” That just shifts the whole thing off the child so he is no longer responsible for stress and overwhelm that is beyond his capacity to handle.

3. Have realistic expectations.

4. Learn to see your child's behavior as a stress barometer.

5. Try to interrupt the stress with a joke, a few deep breaths, a hug or maybe even a quick break outside or in the bathroom where there is less stimulation.

I wouldn’t have thought like this back when my kids were small. With the perspective I have now, though, it seems to make a lot of sense and I wonder if it makes sense to you. Please share your thoughts and opinions. I'd love to hear them and also know what’s worked for you in similar situations.

PS: With the new year, I have 4 spots left for private clients. If you would like a complimentary consultation to explore your unique challenges with your child and find out whether Parenting Beyond Words coaching is right for you go to: www.parentingbeyondwords.com/coachingsystem.htm